You Have To Let Go If You Want To Attract Something Better

New Years Eve is a time for new beginnings...so when do you finally walk away “for good?”

As a Relationship Coach, I spend a great deal of time helping people repair and restore relationships and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Oftentimes, some new distinctions and coaching can make all the difference in the world with two people who are committed to making it work – but that is not always the case. Some couples just don’t have the ability or desire to succeed and you will always find yourself frustrated when you settle for less than you deserve or argue with what is, rather than take back your power to change it.

With that in mind, today, I have a “first” for you. I have a guest writer for you who just happens to be one of my star clients, Jen. I say that because the transformation in her since we worked together has been simply breathtaking...but I’ll let her tell you about it. The reason Jen is writing most of this instead of me is because it’s her story and she lived it...emphasis on the past tense. So as you prepare for another new year filled with new possibilities...if your relationship is truly beyond repair, when do you just walk away “for good?” Let’s hear from Jen:

The Art of Letting Go...It’s Not Always Pretty

This is an open invitation to all those who can’t let go of a relationship that is not meeting your needs...just let it go.  Walk away.  Scram. Skee-daddle.  Mosey on down the highway.  It ain’t worth it and something much better is just around the corner...just out of sight.

I first met Dave Elliott during the withdrawal phase of a very serious relationship.  I was unhappy and had lost my usual passion for life.  A few short years prior, I had been engaged to a wonderful man.  I LOVED him deeply. I was ready, willing and able to love, compromise, and make a beautiful life together.  Then, we started talking about the tough stuff...you know, the stuff that’s really important to talk about BEFORE you get married...finances, children, goals for the future.   During these discussions, it became abundantly clear to me that although he loved me, he was not even close to compromising or building a life together based on what we both wanted.  

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So, for once in my life, I put my needs first, realizing that I could never be truly happy if I weren’t true to myself, and I ended the engagement.  I was heartbroken.  I kept thinking HE would change his mind, understand, see my point of view, be willing to open up and compromise.  So, for THREE years, I tried to forget him and move on, but all the while I held out hope that eventually we would make it work.  We did get back together a few times during those three years and I TRIED, I really tried.  The rest of the time, although we weren’t together, I really wasn’t available for another relationship.  I was only half present because I never let go.

That is, until I began working with Dave.  Dave helped me get in touch with my feminine side, to understand the languages of love, to open up and allow a man to truly love me.  Believe me;  not an easy task for a woman who grew up on the streets.  Did I let go then?   NOOOOOO, I had to try one more time with Mr. Wonderful and guess what?  We still didn’t work, but at that point I knew it wasn’t because I didn’t try and it wasn’t because I was an unloving partner.  Bummer.  I knew then that I needed to truly let go and walk away.  It was heart-wrenching to finally end the relationship and let go entirely.  I cried myself to sleep several nights.  

The Happy Ending

But, that’s not the end of the story.  There has to be a happy ending...right???  Once I made space in my life for a real relationship.  BOOM.  One happened.  A few short months later, I met and fell in love with an absolutely amazing man.  We are now engaged, have had all of the tough conversations, and are on track to be married next year.  He’s everything I ever needed in a man...and guess what????  He speaks my language of love.  He understands what I need to feel loved and he provides it constantly.  I never knew that a man like him could ever exist.  I am a truly blessed woman and will do whatever I can to make him a truly happy man.  How awesome is that????

And, to have all this wonderful happiness, first, I had to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working and was never going to meet my needs.  If I had only known then what I know now... So, if you have tried, honestly tried at a relationship and still feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall, let go and walk away.  You will be glad that you did.

One Final Thought

Okay, it’s Dave, again. Now do you see why I call her a superstar?!? You should SEE the changes in her now. When I met her, she was very tight and closed up...today she is feminine, flowing and beautiful. That’s what attracted her man “in months.” I’ll bet you can hear it in her writing, too.

Let me ask you a question. Do you know how hunters trap monkeys in the wild? They fill small holes in trees with fruit and nuts. When the monkey reaches in to grab his prize, his clenched fist no longer fits through the hole...and rather than let go of what he has “in hand”...the monkey stays trapped...fatally. Humans and monkeys have a great deal in common. Jen was absolutely right...when you finally let go of something that’s not working...you’re now open to accepting something far better.

Here’s wishing you an amazing new year full of love and gratitude!

Dave Elliott is A Relationship Coach and the founder of Legendary Love For Life. Check out his site at www.legendaryloveforlife.com

The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change

After shooting one of my recent TV interviews, I had a chance to visit with one of my very dear friends, Melanie Coffin. While we were talking, she shared a new distinction with me that was so incredibly good, I had to share it with you. Although I have taken some liberties to embellish it and put my own spin on it, I want to thank her for the inspiration.

The Game-Changer

If I could give you just one, single tip that has the power to give you the relationship you truly deserve, it would be to truly focus on developing your appreciative eye – while giving your critical eye what may just be, a very well-deserved rest.

Take A Look At This

Imagine yourself going to a house party where the evening was perfect. All of your favorite people, dear friends and loved ones have been invited. As you enter the party, you are warmly welcomed with open and loving arms.

The house is exquisitely decorated, comfortably furnished throughout and immaculately clean. You even think you detect the faint aroma of vanilla in the air...a mouth-watering reminder that dessert will soon be ready. In between socializing and laughing the night away, you sample some of the most delicious, festive and freshly-prepared gourmet foods.

All of your closest friends are there and the new people you’re meeting are entertaining and delightful company. Before you know it, it’s time to leave because everyone knows that time flies when you’re having fun. As you pass by the hostess on your way out the door, you thank her for being such a gracious host and praise her very beautiful home. That’s the appreciative eye at work.

Now Take Another Look

Now imagine yourself visiting the same house a week later. The only difference is – this time you’re on a walk-through because you’re considering buying it.

Even though you have some delightful and cherished memories of your previous visit...this time, you begin to notice some things you overlooked on your last visit. That gorgeous bay window that showcases the beautiful, panoramic view actually has a broken blind.

Upon closer inspection, there’s a settlement crack on the dining room ceiling. As you stroll through the hall, you realize the carpet is a little worn from years of steady traffic. That beautiful breakfast nook? Turns out the paint is faded from the bright afternoon sun and you hadn’t noticed it previously.

In fact, you notice that the more you look, the less you like the place...even though you walked in with a good feeling about it. So why is it that we seize on every flaw, real or imagined when we’re considering buying it...instead of just enjoying it? That’s the way the critical eye works.

What Can We Learn From This?

Unfortunately, we do the same thing to people...with devastating results. As a Relationship Coach, I see it every day. We tend to put people on the pedestal or in the pit and sometimes, it doesn’t take all that much to make it from one place to the other.

If you really want to give yourself a perspective check, the next time you’re starting to get angry or really frustrated with someone, ask yourself if this would really matter if they had a terminal illness with a limited time on this earth. As long as you’re asking that question anyway, maybe I should remind you that we all have a limited time on this earth...and sometimes that time is unexpectedly cut short without warning.

One Final Secret

Remember: what’s wrong is always available...and where focus goes, energy flows. Look for what’s great and you will always find it. Look for what’s wrong...and you’ll always find that, too.

I’ve had some incredible results and huge transformations for my clients over the years and it’s primarily because of this one secret I’m about to give you...again. I see the greatness in others, even when they themselves don’t see it. Feel free to give that a try and you just might be surprised how often people respond to that kind of grace in magnificent ways.

 Dave Elliott is A Relationship Coach and the founder of Legendary Love For Life. Check out his site at www.legendaryloveforlife.com

The 5 L’s to a Fabulous Relationship

 I feel it’s only right to disclose the fact that, as the writer of this article, I am a woman. I will do my absolute best to withhold bias, but men, also note that with my bias comes great insight into the woman’s mind. Which, from what I can only assume, would be of great value to you. We won’t tell your girlfriends or wives that you are reading a relationship article, if and only if, you promise to take it to heart and trust that what I’m relaying to you will really help. This is what it’s all about, well this is the abridged version, because as most women can attest to, we could create a 50 item list of important things in a relationship. And for those women looking for a bit of insight as well, I write this from my heart, filled with gratitude for my amazing marriage and wanted to pass along some of those really key things that have played a big role in our daily happiness and growth together.

1. LAUGH: This is our source of energy. We are always laughing. Everyday, every night. We just have a way of being our true, ridiculous, geeked out selves and we laugh. I think it’s that freedom to be who we are, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because as a good friend once said, “Being perfect isn’t funny.” So being your imperfect self allows that space to be goofy, to make mistakes, to tell horrible jokes, to act like a kid again. We laugh when we see an old man with a pipe. Why? Who knows but over time we’ve somehow landed on the same vibration, in rapport and totally in sync. Laughter is the quickest way to get that connection with a loved one. Laughter tears through pain, it stomps down adversity and blows past uncertainty. Just BE. Trust me, your weird self, being exactly who you are, is probably hilarious.

2. LISTEN: We know we talk a lot, we know sometimes it doesn’t always make sense or it’s not always that important, but it’s so cool when we see that you are actually listening. To some of us, listening equates to caring. This goes for us women too. Listening to our partners talking about football or the latest recruit on their college team, well it just shows you care. Now I’m not saying we always have to be there listening to eachother, but what we can do is make an effort. Stay checked in when the other is talking. The last thing I’m saying is to pretend to care, authenticity is huge in any relationship. I think it’s all about stretching ourselves for the sake of our loved one. Listen when it’s important. Guys often say, “as men we just don’t understand women.” So when we explain the ins and outs of our emotions and hormones and all of that, that’s the time to listen.

3. LEARN: Piggybacking off the last answer, we don’t expect you to know and understand everything. This goes for both men and women. The key is to be willing to learn. To listen to what your partner is saying, take it to heart and learn from it. It’s learning what works and what doesn’t. Simply this, if you’re partner hate mushrooms, and you make them dinner full of mushrooms, have you learned? Nope. Take the messages you are both communicating and use that as a tool to move forward. The information you gather from listening is super valuable in the success of your relationship. Why? Because it’s something we can learn from.

4. LOVE:  This may seem obvious, but there’s a lot more to it than most of us realize. First, we must love ourselves. That’s right, we must love ourselves before expecting someone else to love us. Until we are a whole person, it is difficult to feel secure in a relationship. Those who don’t love themselves first, [believe me, we’ve all been there] tend to always be seeking approval and acceptance. And when we are so focused on ourselves, it’s a little tougher to love the other person. Now once you are in that relationship where you love yourself and you are ready to fully love the other person, remember it’s about fully loving the other person. It’s easy to get frustrated or annoyed with our partners quirks and habits, but when you learn to love all those little things, not only is life easier for you, but you also give your partner a great gift. The gift of having the space to freely be themselves. Love is a lifestyle. It’s the lifestyle that can embrace the whole person, a lifestyle where your partner’s needs are your needs, where you look at them with acceptance and look at yourself with acceptance.

5. LIVE: Sounds a bit basic and simple, I get that. Living is continuous, it’s this growing and progressing process. Living in a relationship means, don’t press the rewind button because something goes wrong. Don’t live in the past, allowing that last argument to weigh you down and close up. Live openly. Live continually. Live presently. You’ve probably heard someone say “Life’s too short to ______” fill in the blank with a behavior you’d like to avoid. “Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “Life’s too short to be angry.” “Life’s too short to be ungrateful.” You get the idea. And this is the basis of LIVE. It’s about moving on, living on. My husband and I like to remind ourselves of a saying we heard, “Leave no stones in the basket.” Have you ever had that heavy, hard to breath, stressed and upset feeling right in the center of your chest? Imagine there is a basket right in there, and every time something goes wrong, or every time you are hurt, frustrated, upset, it adds a stone into that basket. Can you see how quickly that would get heavy if we held on to every little thing that didn’t go as planned? So leaving no stones in the basket means, deal with the stress or the feeling and then move on. Don’t hold those grudges and don’t keep a list of what your partner has done wrong. Everyday should be a clean slate.

See, not too hard right? 

Alexandra Cooper

Youth Coach & Author of "So What?!"