Authenticity vs. Selfishness

How the Quest for Authenticity Can Get in the Way

Authenticity is a conundrum. It’s a cool new fad, and yet something completely necessary to living a happy and fulfilled life. But it can backfire. I suppose anything not completely understood, when used in the wrong way can backfire on us eventually. 

To best understand how it most commonly backfires, let me paint you a picture. Or rather, let’s repaint a picture you probably already have, as every single one of us has encountered this person at some point. You walk into the doctor’s office, or the coffee shop, or the dry cleaner, and the person there to greet you is cold, stiff, and seemingly rude or uncaring. They don’t smile at you, and barely acknowledge you enough to give you the service you need. And all of a sudden, if you’re the kind of person that needs connection, you no longer want to see the doctor, or drink that cup of coffee, or go back to that dry cleaner again. I’ve worked with many business owners who become frustrated by having an employee with this demeanor, but don’t know what to do as they fear asking the employee to become inauthentic by asking them to smile or connect with the customers.

But why isn’t asking someone to open up a little not the same thing as asking them to leave their authentic selves behind? Because the common misconception about authenticity is that it means grabbing hold of everything you know yourself to be, and expressing it at the mercy of others and their needs. Insert loud angry buzzing sound here, because that’s where people go wrong! 

Authenticity does mean learning about yourself, your needs, your desires, and what fulfills you - but it also means opening your heart enough to be able to be that person while also meeting others where they’re at. To be truly successful at living an authentic life, we must become just as aware of others and their needs from us, as we are self-aware. The self-awareness is still of primary importance, the the awareness of others is like the glue that holds our authenticity together. Without it, it’s just a hollow, self-absorbed mess.

What does this look like in our example of the person greeting you at the front desk or the doctors office or coffee shop counter? It doesn’t look like turning the person into an overly joyful smiley-happy shining elf of joy. It simply looks like them deciding to open their heart just enough so that they can connect with others. It may not even involve smiling - just letting down their wall just enough so that they can still be true to themselves, while also providing their customers and community with the connection they crave.

So the next time you become aware of rubbing someone the wrong way, ask yourself where the line between your authenticity and their needs lies, and consider adding their needs into your authenticity when interacting with them. How cool would it be to live in a world where we get to be ourselves and make others happy no matter the relationship or scenario?

Jordanna Eyre is a Self-Love Coach and founder of  www.YouAreWhole.com 

You Have To Let Go If You Want To Attract Something Better

New Years Eve is a time for new beginnings...so when do you finally walk away “for good?”

As a Relationship Coach, I spend a great deal of time helping people repair and restore relationships and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Oftentimes, some new distinctions and coaching can make all the difference in the world with two people who are committed to making it work – but that is not always the case. Some couples just don’t have the ability or desire to succeed and you will always find yourself frustrated when you settle for less than you deserve or argue with what is, rather than take back your power to change it.

With that in mind, today, I have a “first” for you. I have a guest writer for you who just happens to be one of my star clients, Jen. I say that because the transformation in her since we worked together has been simply breathtaking...but I’ll let her tell you about it. The reason Jen is writing most of this instead of me is because it’s her story and she lived it...emphasis on the past tense. So as you prepare for another new year filled with new possibilities...if your relationship is truly beyond repair, when do you just walk away “for good?” Let’s hear from Jen:

The Art of Letting Go...It’s Not Always Pretty

This is an open invitation to all those who can’t let go of a relationship that is not meeting your needs...just let it go.  Walk away.  Scram. Skee-daddle.  Mosey on down the highway.  It ain’t worth it and something much better is just around the corner...just out of sight.

I first met Dave Elliott during the withdrawal phase of a very serious relationship.  I was unhappy and had lost my usual passion for life.  A few short years prior, I had been engaged to a wonderful man.  I LOVED him deeply. I was ready, willing and able to love, compromise, and make a beautiful life together.  Then, we started talking about the tough stuff...you know, the stuff that’s really important to talk about BEFORE you get married...finances, children, goals for the future.   During these discussions, it became abundantly clear to me that although he loved me, he was not even close to compromising or building a life together based on what we both wanted.  

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So, for once in my life, I put my needs first, realizing that I could never be truly happy if I weren’t true to myself, and I ended the engagement.  I was heartbroken.  I kept thinking HE would change his mind, understand, see my point of view, be willing to open up and compromise.  So, for THREE years, I tried to forget him and move on, but all the while I held out hope that eventually we would make it work.  We did get back together a few times during those three years and I TRIED, I really tried.  The rest of the time, although we weren’t together, I really wasn’t available for another relationship.  I was only half present because I never let go.

That is, until I began working with Dave.  Dave helped me get in touch with my feminine side, to understand the languages of love, to open up and allow a man to truly love me.  Believe me;  not an easy task for a woman who grew up on the streets.  Did I let go then?   NOOOOOO, I had to try one more time with Mr. Wonderful and guess what?  We still didn’t work, but at that point I knew it wasn’t because I didn’t try and it wasn’t because I was an unloving partner.  Bummer.  I knew then that I needed to truly let go and walk away.  It was heart-wrenching to finally end the relationship and let go entirely.  I cried myself to sleep several nights.  

The Happy Ending

But, that’s not the end of the story.  There has to be a happy ending...right???  Once I made space in my life for a real relationship.  BOOM.  One happened.  A few short months later, I met and fell in love with an absolutely amazing man.  We are now engaged, have had all of the tough conversations, and are on track to be married next year.  He’s everything I ever needed in a man...and guess what????  He speaks my language of love.  He understands what I need to feel loved and he provides it constantly.  I never knew that a man like him could ever exist.  I am a truly blessed woman and will do whatever I can to make him a truly happy man.  How awesome is that????

And, to have all this wonderful happiness, first, I had to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working and was never going to meet my needs.  If I had only known then what I know now... So, if you have tried, honestly tried at a relationship and still feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall, let go and walk away.  You will be glad that you did.

One Final Thought

Okay, it’s Dave, again. Now do you see why I call her a superstar?!? You should SEE the changes in her now. When I met her, she was very tight and closed up...today she is feminine, flowing and beautiful. That’s what attracted her man “in months.” I’ll bet you can hear it in her writing, too.

Let me ask you a question. Do you know how hunters trap monkeys in the wild? They fill small holes in trees with fruit and nuts. When the monkey reaches in to grab his prize, his clenched fist no longer fits through the hole...and rather than let go of what he has “in hand”...the monkey stays trapped...fatally. Humans and monkeys have a great deal in common. Jen was absolutely right...when you finally let go of something that’s not working...you’re now open to accepting something far better.

Here’s wishing you an amazing new year full of love and gratitude!

Dave Elliott is A Relationship Coach and the founder of Legendary Love For Life. Check out his site at www.legendaryloveforlife.com

Coaching Session: Getting Back in Shape

We’ve all heard it before. “I used to be very active, and now I just don’t have the motivation to get myself to the gym again.”

First thing’s first, establish a specific goal. Let’s get real and realize that “getting back in shape,” is neither inspiring nor measurable. When we set our sights on something, we want to make them exciting and specific so that we can celebrate our achievements along the way. Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to increase your physical activity? Great! Let’s jot down this goal with specific numbers, timelines, and some lively adjectives.

For example, “I will regain my energy and vitality by doing an hour of cardio exercise three times a week.”

Now that we’ve got a solid goal to work towards, here are a few things that will help you along the way.

 1. GET LEVERAGE: This means finding enough reasons why this goal is not an option, but a MUST.

1. How will this affect your life positively? Will it give you more energy to focus at work? Will it help to increase your passion in your relationship? Will it give you more confidence about yourself? Will you be able to spend more time playing with your kids? Start listing how great it will be once you’ve made these changes to your life style.
2. And on the flipside, if you do not follow through on your goal, how will it affect your life? Will you continue to gain weight and feel out of shape? Will you fall behind at work? Will you lose precious moments with your family? Sometimes it takes pain to really push us to take action. The fact that you are thinking about making these changes means you are starting to see some signs of that pain. Things aren’t as you would like them to be.

 2. PARTNER UP: Have you ever realized that we let ourself off the hook all of the time? We eat that extra girl scout cookie, because no one else will know. We will skip out on going to the gym tonight because our favorite show is on. That is a slippery slope, and that is probably why things have changed and you no longer have that lifestyle or habit of staying in shape.
 How do we avoid our self-leniency? We get a partner in crime, someone we can count on, someone who also wants to work out and who will hold you accountable. This means sharing your personal goal with someone you trust and take this journey together. Maybe it’s your best friend, maybe it’s your spouse, maybe you hire a personal trainer. Whatever it is, find someone that will be there to support you, push you, and join you on your journey.

 3. BELIEVE: You must believe that you can get back to that old lifestyle that served you. If you are viewing it as a far stretch from reality, then it will seem extremely daunting. Instead, reconnect with the reality that you have already done this and you are simply reconnecting with that part of your life. Believe in why you are doing, believe in the power of your own will. Each step you take will reinforce your beliefs, so just get started! And get started now!

The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change

After shooting one of my recent TV interviews, I had a chance to visit with one of my very dear friends, Melanie Coffin. While we were talking, she shared a new distinction with me that was so incredibly good, I had to share it with you. Although I have taken some liberties to embellish it and put my own spin on it, I want to thank her for the inspiration.

The Game-Changer

If I could give you just one, single tip that has the power to give you the relationship you truly deserve, it would be to truly focus on developing your appreciative eye – while giving your critical eye what may just be, a very well-deserved rest.

Take A Look At This

Imagine yourself going to a house party where the evening was perfect. All of your favorite people, dear friends and loved ones have been invited. As you enter the party, you are warmly welcomed with open and loving arms.

The house is exquisitely decorated, comfortably furnished throughout and immaculately clean. You even think you detect the faint aroma of vanilla in the air...a mouth-watering reminder that dessert will soon be ready. In between socializing and laughing the night away, you sample some of the most delicious, festive and freshly-prepared gourmet foods.

All of your closest friends are there and the new people you’re meeting are entertaining and delightful company. Before you know it, it’s time to leave because everyone knows that time flies when you’re having fun. As you pass by the hostess on your way out the door, you thank her for being such a gracious host and praise her very beautiful home. That’s the appreciative eye at work.

Now Take Another Look

Now imagine yourself visiting the same house a week later. The only difference is – this time you’re on a walk-through because you’re considering buying it.

Even though you have some delightful and cherished memories of your previous visit...this time, you begin to notice some things you overlooked on your last visit. That gorgeous bay window that showcases the beautiful, panoramic view actually has a broken blind.

Upon closer inspection, there’s a settlement crack on the dining room ceiling. As you stroll through the hall, you realize the carpet is a little worn from years of steady traffic. That beautiful breakfast nook? Turns out the paint is faded from the bright afternoon sun and you hadn’t noticed it previously.

In fact, you notice that the more you look, the less you like the place...even though you walked in with a good feeling about it. So why is it that we seize on every flaw, real or imagined when we’re considering buying it...instead of just enjoying it? That’s the way the critical eye works.

What Can We Learn From This?

Unfortunately, we do the same thing to people...with devastating results. As a Relationship Coach, I see it every day. We tend to put people on the pedestal or in the pit and sometimes, it doesn’t take all that much to make it from one place to the other.

If you really want to give yourself a perspective check, the next time you’re starting to get angry or really frustrated with someone, ask yourself if this would really matter if they had a terminal illness with a limited time on this earth. As long as you’re asking that question anyway, maybe I should remind you that we all have a limited time on this earth...and sometimes that time is unexpectedly cut short without warning.

One Final Secret

Remember: what’s wrong is always available...and where focus goes, energy flows. Look for what’s great and you will always find it. Look for what’s wrong...and you’ll always find that, too.

I’ve had some incredible results and huge transformations for my clients over the years and it’s primarily because of this one secret I’m about to give you...again. I see the greatness in others, even when they themselves don’t see it. Feel free to give that a try and you just might be surprised how often people respond to that kind of grace in magnificent ways.

 Dave Elliott is A Relationship Coach and the founder of Legendary Love For Life. Check out his site at www.legendaryloveforlife.com

Coaching Session: Overcoming Shyness

For those who feel like their shy tendencies are holding them back in life, or are keeping them from moving towards their goals, this article will help you to gain an understanding and an awareness that will allow you to make some adjustments in your life to best suit you on the journey ahead.

First, we must understand where shyness originates.

Why am I feeling shy?

Though it is not the same for everyone, there is an overlying pattern that may help to explain shyness. Those who are experiencing shyness – and I say “experiencing shyness” rather than those who ARE shy because it is simply an emotional state. You are not stuck with it, it isn't who you are. It is not like saying, “you are tall.” You are simply feeling shy – are either uncertain about themselves or uncertain about how others perceive them.

If you can relate to that sort of a feeling in certain situations, then there may have been an experience in your past, whether rejection or judgment, that has pushed you in the direction of feeling shy in similar situations. What is important is not what specifically caused you to live in a state of shyness, rather, what is important is finding tools which will give you the freedom to choose not to feel shy.

What can I do about it?

When I coach people on this situation, I recommend that they get a notebook and take a few minutes of personal time to be honest with themselves and to answer the following questions:

-Who am I?

-What do I believe? What do I stand for?

-What am I great at? What am I proud of?

-What is important to me?

Answering these questions will help you to develop an understanding of your personal identity, as well as acknowledging who YOU are and the greatness you hold inside.

The next part will depend on how bad you want to make these changes in your life. Next, you must actively own everything you've just answered above. This means to embody it and to live it. It's all about walking the talk. Once you are certain about who YOU are, it makes it a whole lot easier to live as that person each and everyday.

And lastly, remember that your self-perception is much more important and much more powerful than the perception others have of you.  Believe it or not, you emanate exactly what you are feeling about yourself. If you go into a situation feeling self-conscious or insecure, others will see that. If you go into a situation feeling confident and excited, they too will see that. Treat yourself with the utmost respect and give yourself every opportunity simply by being certain and proud of who you are.

Change takes risk, that means living outside of your comfort zone. It may be difficult at first, but soon it will become natural. Trust yourself, believe in yourself, and shine!